I woke up this morning, did my usual daily ESV Bible reading and then asked myself what was next. I remembered that yesterday I posted that I felt like I was just re-writing Psalms (book of the Bible that I view as mostly David’s annoyances with God). Ironically, God sees David as a man after His own heart.
So I decided to do just that. I’ve said most of this stuff to God, in one way or another, multiple times over the last few months. So I decided to write them out in my private notes on YouVersion.com. Then my wife asked what was up with me this morning, so I told her what I just did. She asked if she could read it, then crazily suggested that I post them online. Why not? She’s written enough transparent books that let you know just how flawed we are, so why can’t I take one for the team (or as this blog title suggests, maybe more are to come). Here is Day 1 of my private (now public) thoughts and prayers. ENJOY!
WHERE AM I GOING?
I feel lost, God. I feel like my body isn’t ready for another day. I know for certain that designing websites is not what you want me to do for the rest of my life. So I wake up each morning, looking at another long day that requires me to feel like I don’t want to feel and do what I don’t want to do.
Is this how you love me? I know you can’t love me more than sending your Son to the cross, but I’m ready to feel loved through today as much as eternity. My family has to watch me cry and not be who I thought you want me to be for them. Medical bills and debt are piling up around my feet, and I feel like such a failure for not providing for them.
You have always provided for us, but you’re scaring the hell out of me right now. As much as I long to live to give a life to my daughters, sometimes I get the sense that life would be better for them if I ceased to exist.
If there is a tomorrow, I believe you have full control over what it looks like. Much more control than I do. What hurts me most is that today was a tomorrow and this is what you wanted it to look like. Why would you want this? If I’m the evil person that doesn’t deserve a good day, why not get rid of me and at least give my family something to live for. They don’t deserve this, even though for some reason I might.
People tell me that there are bigger and better things ahead. How can they know that, and I sit in bed, crying, and asking you what you have planned? You’ve made yourself obvious for so many people before, and I’ve seen you at work in our lives in the past. I don’t doubt that you will come through for me, but almost every day recently I wake up thinking you’re going to drag me through more trash. Does it have to get worse before it gets better?
I’m sick of crying, and I’m writing this to let you know that I want our relationship to grow. You’re bigger than I am, and I know you really could flip my tomorrow upside down. I’m willing to do whatever you want me to, I just don’t know what that is. Show me. Please?