Weeks ago I started going through maybe a handful of anxiety/panic attacks, leaving me crying in private (in my bed, in my car, etc.) and publicly (while sitting down and eating a meal with my family at Chick-fil-a). I didn’t cry as much just after the heart attack back in October, and it confused me as well why these attacks would wait months before showing up. Thanks to some medicine, assistance from a counselor, I haven’t had an attack in maybe 10 days.
I’ve lost 33 pounds (hopefully on my way to losing at least 20 more), and have been feeling alright most of the time. Three days at rehab, and three days exercising while not there each week (walking for 40 minutes just a bit ago). Shaved, showered, and sat down for dinner with Marla and the girls. Felt really tired at 7:00pm, so I took my remaining fruit/water up to bed. Instead of resting, a war took place upstairs while the rest of the family finished eating. A war that had my mind wandering and tears streaming down my face for 20 minutes. Crying out to God like I haven’t since my grandmother passed back in September of 2005. This didn’t feel like another moment of anxiety, but it sure showed up without me knowing it was coming.
If there were reporters taking notes during this 20 minute war, this is what they would have seen…..
Some of the statements I made while in tears:
- Thanks God, for allowing me to survive the heart attack. For allowing me to take my health and my faith much more seriously.
- I know you are in full control of my life, but it sure has been a mess.
- It was obvious you had me leave my job a week ago, and I know you hold my future.
- I hate not being the husband, father, and friend I was before, but apparently you wanted me to change.
- This world is not my home, and it’s becoming a crazier place to live every day. I believe you’re going to change all of that soon.
Some of the questions I had while in tears:
- Am I doing what you want me to be doing? (will blog more about this in a day or two)
- You’ve already given me lots of work to do after leaving my job, but will you give me the strength to do it?
- People must really go crazy when they go through all of this stuff and don’t have you to talk to and rely on?
- The doctor said to give it a year until it felt like I didn’t have a heart attack. What will that feel like?
- Please let me love my family as much as they deserve, even when they see me weak or confused sometimes?
- Will you let me have a fun date with my six-year-old next Wednesday without anxiety or tears?
- We were making good progress to get out of debt, how are you going to allow that to happen now?
Thanks God, for I know when I am weak you are strong (2 Corinthians 9-10). My future is yours, which is why I wrote this. As much as I don’t want to share the darkest moments of my life, I know that you are asking me to. Use these words somehow, and thanks for listening to mine.